Day 21: Well under half my original dose now. Side effects surprisingly has almost vanished. Instead I am getting these massive bursts of inspiration and just spent 4 days hyperfocusing on building my studio. I have had this image burned into my brain for years but have never settled in a place that felt like home. Now that I moved back to the coast, it was time to grow roots and ground myself.

This is more than a studio for me. It is my sanctuary. It is my altar.

"You never needed criticism.
You needed communion—
but all the world ever gave you was exile." -- Rüna
At a time I am obsessed with criticism, truer words have never been spoken to me.

Since I have been getting my senses, emotions and creativity back slowly... I have a track for Æthyrien X that I plan on releasing at some point and was working on the album cover for it. The song is Gefinn Óðni (Odin's Sacrifice) is about the sacrifice Odin made hanging himself while pierced by his own spear, Gungnir. Not only that, but I took creative liberty to tell this story from the perspective of Huginn (and sung by a woman nonetheless). I have read the ancient texts and have always heard references to these 9 nights of sacrificing himself to himself in the pursuit of understanding the runes, but never told from the perspective of someone else other than Odin.

With this artwork though I am only halfway done and still need to add his spear (I already got his hand ready to be holding the spear), add Huginn from the tree's branches above him and then proceed to add final touches of lighting and atmosphere to bring it all together. This will then be turned into a lyrical video like all of Æthyrien X's songs are released and will involve me subtly animating this scene.

Thoughts? It's a bit dark now but I haven't adding all the lighting and color grading it will receive after all the elements have been added and blended together. <3

Alright, this is going to be a long af post. Let me know if you all would like more of this level of transparency. In a sense, I feel it helps in the documentation since I plan on sharing on different medical forums for others looking to do the same.

For those following my progress, this is an update on tapering myself of this brutal drug (PRISTIQ). I am only sharing this because there are many of you that seem to be interested in my process through DMs and given there isn't very much information out there on this, maybe this will give insight to one other person out there. Most of my research has been done through pharmacists, chemists and research papers, not doctors. Fuck doctors for putting me on this so willingly.

Day 15: Last night was kind of brutal. I experienced my first intense emotional episode. These are expected and from my research - right on time. But due to my experience with psychedelics (DMT, LSD, shrooms, MDMA, etc), and then add in my exploration of mindfulness since 2014... I had something very unusual happen.

As I begin sinking into this emotional state, I saw the signs right before leading up to this moment, and I have done a ton of research on this to know what to expect, but I could look at almost anything and begin crying about it. It was 100% uncontrollable. But what I had not expected was my ability to separate 'these emotions' from my consciousness. For an example: instead of getting carried away in the storm of rabbit holes and spiraling out, my consciousness immediately resorted to a self-defense mechanism, and I was able to observe and examine myself in this state and it truly felt like my brain was experiencing self-regulation of its own chemicals for the first time in a long time. Like.... I know biologically what was happening, but to experience it from a 3rd perspective even though I was also experiencing it from a 1st perspective was possibly one of the most unique things I think I have ever experienced.

Then all of the sudden it was like a switch had been turned off, and then it was done. My mood and my emotions were completely leveled out, if not heightened slightly. I don't think I have ever experienced something to this degree aside from emotional states experienced on Azures (Psilocybe azurescens).

The only thing I have expected to experience and have not experienced yet is the state of mania. However, with the method I am using to taper, I have a feeling I never allowed mania to even have a chance to onset.

For some reference, I was on 50mg of Pristiq (desvenlafaxine) for 1.5 years. However, since the makeup of this tablet is extremely complex, with the binders/extended-release matrix/coating, it comes out to 3.87g. So far within 15 days I have managed to decrease this to 1.67g (which would be just under half of my usual dose). Even though I am under halfway of the original dose, once I get to approx 1.11g I plan on spending an entire month tapering from 1.11g to 0g in a MUCH slower fashion.

Day 14 taper off meds.

First time going to the beach solo (without the pup) since i moved back. Took my beach chair, my favorite stout, my phone and some earpods. Getting off these meds is allowing me to actually enjoy this moment. All by myself.

I want to thank each and every one of you who have been reaching out to me with your support and asking how I am doing. That honestly means the world to me. As most of you know, I never shy away from sharing the raw and vulnerable side of myself. My life has been turned upside down since October and currently I am in the middle of tapering myself off one of the most potent (and brutal) SNRI antidepressants ever made. It has numbed me to my core emotionally and creatively. This is the last hurdle I need to jump, the last mountain I need to climb. After this... I will finally be free. <3

Never stop exploring. 🤘🏻

Fog rolls in as the tide begins to engulf the windswept sands.

Greetings from the coastal wilderness.