I had a very new friend die just now. I want to share with you all something vulnerable and personal. I hope it is ok with me sharing this. If anything, maybe this can shed some light on someone else struggling with this. This is going to be a long post, and I don't expect many to read it all the way through... or even fucking understand what I am trying to say. Trust me, I am used to people having no clue when I talk about this, including doctors and therapists. I think I just need to get some of this off my chest for now. He was a fan of mine for over 2 years and just realized recently the beard care products he was buying was made by the same dude, me. He reached out to me back in December with a long email and asked me what inspires me to my core. I sent him a long email back explaining that my "inspiration" is honestly more of a curse rather than blessing and explained how almost all my life I experience something called "Óðr" in Old Norse, translated to something like frenzied inspiration or divine madness, but there isn't really a proper word for it in English. For me though it is very vivid which leads to insomnia, mania and psychosis if I don't get what is in my head... out of my head. This happens with my music, my scents in my products and through my artwork. This resorts in me basically sacrificing everything in the pursuit of literally not going insane. (I can go more into this in another post, but for the time being let's just leave it here). He responded back in a very long email explaining to me that my email and my explanation of Óðr put into perspective his entire childhood and how he too suffers from something similar, but he must draw it from his mind. If he doesn't draw it exactly how it is in his head, he has to keep trying. He had tried to see doctors for it and they all labeled him having a form of OCD, but there was nothing else in his life that was even remotely related to OCD. My therapist thought I had a form of schizophrenia, but I doubt that. With everything I had said, for the first time he felt understood. For the first time, there was someone else out there that knew exactly what he dealt with. I mean, damn, for the first time I felt someone else finally understood what the fuck I have to deal with. For him though, it got so serious in his head this led to attempted suicide twice not being able to get this out of his head in time. Through these conversations and vulnerabilities shared, a bond was made unique to anything I have ever experienced. It was a bond that felt spiritual. Fast forward to about a week ago, he told me he was losing weight rapidly and went to the doctor and got the blood tests back and they found out he had pancreatic cancer. The doctor told him that he doesn't have much time and needed to get his things in order for his family because surgery/chemo is not possible. It was too late. He died a few hours ago. The thing that fucks me up the most is that it was my music that made him feel at ease when dealing with Óðr for the past 2 years without even knowing it was because of Óðr I wrote those very songs, and it was my music that has been playing nonstop for the last 2 days now easing him into the abyss next to his wife and children. According to his wife, it will be my music at his wake/funeral. I just want you all to know I read every one of your comments. I read every one of your private messages and try to respond to everything I can. I grew a very unique bond with this man when realizing that we struggle through the same mental state that is so unknown and undiagnosed. The number of messages I receive from you all about how my music affects you on a very unique and deep level... I see you. I cherish you. <3 I had a song called Hel's Embrace I planned on releasing when I released the full Helsa's Saga. Hel's Embrace is the 6th chapter to that saga. I will be dedicating the track in memory of him and plan on releasing it soon instead. Rest in peace, brother. 🍻 "Kven skal synge meg i daudsvevna slynge meg... ...Du er løyst frå banda som batt deg" - Einar Selvik